What is it about control that we have a love-hate relationship?
We want control but we do not want to be controlled
When I was planning to come to study in the United States, I had to plan every step just like the controlled fires that we plan in California. I needed funds so I needed to make sure I applied for scholarships. Which meant I needed the grades, the portfolio, and everything else that would be needed to get accepted.
Check
Check
Check
I had dotted my ‘i’s and crossed my ’t’s. I was in control of my destiny, New York, Pratt Institute here I came!!
Two and a half years of hard work and I complete my master's, graduate with Honors, move to the Bay Area, steadily climb, and become a creative director at a fairly young age… and then life happens.
A life that I had so carefully planned was erased in a split of second when my three-year-old son was diagnosed with leukemia.
I had no control over my child’s illness and no control over the disease or the side effects.
A routine blood test or a day visit could turn into an extended stay in the hospital. We lost all control over our very basic, normal life.
It’s been 18 years since my son was diagnosed with cancer and my relationship with control has been hot and cold… more cold than hot. My son passed away at the tender age of nine after fighting cancer for 6 years of his life.
But I’m somehow still here…
I asked Google, what is the definition of control and this is what it told me — To have control is to have the power to run something in an orderly way.
I have asked myself many times, how orderly did my life turn out to be? How much power did I have over the outcomes of my very controlled and planned life? How am I still standing on my two feet?
As I take stock of everything that happened since 2005 when my son was diagnosed with leukemia, I have launched another child to college and into adulthood. I have managed to save my marriage, more on that at another time. Founded and am about to hire my replacement at a nonprofit that is celebrating its 15th anniversary… What role did control play or may I say, the loss of control play in how my second life was shaped?
Wisdom if I have gained any has taught me and I’ll rephrase Michelle Obama, life happens in seasons. My life did happen in seasons. I do not know when this happened but with loss of control came tools like adaptability and looking for opportunities in gaps. When doors kept closing on me I used my creative problem-solving to create new doors instead of constantly looking for solutions. As leaders, managers, and individual contributors, each one of us has felt at a loss in a situation. We have felt control seeping out of us.
Next time you are working on an executive roadmap or designing your life and creating your odyssey plan, preemptively factor in some time for loss of control scenarios. Make space for projects that might spill over and budgets or decisions that might just not be in your control.
What this will do is give you perspective on what to keep and what to let go. I do not guarantee knighthood but it will make you open, accessible, and a joy to be around and a lot lighter without the various baggage controlling your every move.
#womentalkdesign #creativewriting #control